What do you think of this poem I wrote up? (please try not to be too harsh)? [Archiv]

rorinense

19.03.2010, 22:32

ALL THAT CRIES

Tears be what my demon sheds,
A life mangled in twisted threads.
Blind deceit bounds our breath,
A burden until our dire death.

So oblivious we are to be,
For the true culprit lies within me.
Something not expected of I,
A trick under the sinful sky.

An evil lurks within my soul,
Its works eventually taking their toll.
Easy not to describe this pain,
The heaviest downpour of acid rain.

How this is I do not know,
As it has only just risen to show.
My innocence be forever lost,
To this world pierced with bitter frost.

But I am not the only one,
For this plague has only just begun.
It’s sickness spreads far and near,
Affecting those oh so dear.

Its affects leave the others to bleed,
Emotions wounded from the deed.
But outside no blood appears,
For it is washed away by the demon’s tears.

A natural tendency it could be,
For we are limited to humanity.
A question not for us to attend,
As only God knows its end.
updates: 2000 (http://janee.cwsurf.de/chirlind/aims2000.html)

Colourful

20.03.2010, 08:11

Well, I don't think it's bad, and the last stanza is actually really nice.
Personally I don't really like the form, because I don't think that this AABB is a great stylistic device, actually I consider it boring and lame in general.

"Tears be what my demon sheds,
A life mangled in twisted threads.
Blind deceit bounds our breath,
A burden until our dire death."

The images you create are worth a second consideration, "twisted threads" for example, but I am not that found of these alliterations due to the fact that it seems to me as if you took a form you wanted to write a poem in, as if you created shell you put your words in, it doesn't sound natural to me.
Moreover I think that the picture, the kind of pain you describe and build words around just feels like a bit too chlichéd, doesn't mean that it's bad just that I do not particularly love it.

"So oblivious we are to be,
For the true culprit lies within me.
Something not expected of I,
A trick under the sinful sky.

An evil lurks within my soul,
Its works eventually taking their toll.
Easy not to describe this pain,
The heaviest downpour of acid rain."

Two pictures I really don't agree with because to me they sound callow "sinful sky" and "the evil within my soul".
Yes. I would love to see different expressions here, maybe like:
"A trick under marvellous, darkening sky"

And I would maybe use "And somethink hides within my soul" because it makes it less obvious and more interesting I think.

"My innocence be forever lost,
To this world pierced with bitter frost."

Reim dich, oder ich fress dich?
:)

"A natural tendency it could be,
For we are limited to humanity.
A question not for us to attend,
As only God knows its end."

I like the idea that we are all limited by our own humanity.

In a nutshell I have to state that your poem isn't bad, and there are a lot of goods ideas and nice pictures in it, to me it just sounds to blunt and callow, because writing poetry to me is more about creating pictures and thoughts that everyone can interpret and understand for themselves and not describing everything with little room left for imagination. I would love to read that poem with more subtle pictures and without the alliterations, you can use them if they seem to fit but not if they don't.

And I really wouldn't have commented like that if I thought that this poems wasn't worth taking a look it, so don't feel as if I criticized everything. I did, but just because there *is* something. :-dafür
And thanks for the oppurtunity to read it and write feedback.